Nights of Doubt

No one sees the nights of doubt—the nights when I questioned everything, doubted everything, when I judged my intuition through my ego, when I judged my inner knowing as narcissism or even came to consider it insanity. No one saw when I put all my chips on the table, gave my whole being, without guarantees, without ready answers, and had to wait in uncertainty. When I saw everything collapse in front of me and the only thing I had to stand on was “intuition.” I can say that those days are not over yet, that I still question many things; from time to time doubt rises again and I think, “Is everything I believe really real?”

I continue to have the same guarantees—only faith. The faith that none of this is coincidence, the faith that dreams are not just dreams, the faith that God brings me messages through many means and that it is not just my mind creating meaning where there is nothing. No one sees this; they will see what looks like happiness. They will see what looks like success. They will not know how to measure the price I paid for it. I can tell you it was not cheap. Many will say it was easy, that it was luck, but only Christ knows all the times I weakened, how hard it was to believe. But I know He was always there, telling me, “It will work out. Trust.”

I surrendered myself to Christ; everything that was important to me I placed in His hands. I denied myself and did what I believed to be His Will for my life. I am who I am; that is enough.